FEBRUARY 1998
So the Pope finally noticed that Cuba is a country. It certainly
took him long enough. Cuba has been on the map for years.
The Papal visit brought unbounded joy to cheering throngs of
Cubans. One young woman reportedly exclaimed happily, "We
each get a new bar of soap! I'm so excited!" Now there's
a boon. I hope those people don't come to expect such luxuries
on a regular basis. The Cuban economy would collapse under such
a strain. And this is the whole point about communism. It doesn't
work. It's a noble idea, but so far no one has made it work. For
all the faults and abuses inherent in a democracy, it still beats
the hell out of communism. I think Jay Leno said it best back
in the mid—1980s. He was talking about his planned visit to the
still communist Soviet Union. Everyone had cautioned him to take
along his own toilet paper, because there was never enough in
that country. As fast as toilet paper was put in public bathrooms,
it was stolen. There was always a t.p. shortage. Leno: "Why
are we afraid of a country that has no toilet paper?" Why
indeed.
So here we have the Pope blessing Cuba and slamming the USA
for its embargo against a totalitarian dictatorship. Hmmm. Instead
of sticking his nose into international politics, why didn't he
just offer them some soap?
But it was amusing to watch the Pope waving to the crowds,
which is trickier than it looks. He must be weighted down with
forty or fifty pounds of silk and brocade. Which brings up an
interesting question. Why must the Pope dress like a sixth-century
Sultan? And wear embarrassingly silly hats that make him look
like a cross between the Grand Vizier of the KKK and the president
of the Order of the Grand Raccoons? Would his words carry less
meaning and authority if he was turned out in a Brooks Brothers
suit? Obviously they would, or he wouldn't dress so flamboyantly.
This is a most telling eccentricity. Words of truth and wisdom
should need no window dressing. But I digress.
The Pope's speeches in Cuba contained numerous references to
freedom…of conscience. He would say "freedom,"
and the crowds would cheer, missing the whole point. There can
be no freedom in a dictatorship, as the Pope very well knows.
Heck, you can have freedom of conscience in a POW camp.
But as long as Cuba remains a dictatorship, human rights and dignity
are trampled. Listening to the Pope's speeches, though, you came
away with the definite feeling that his and Castro's speechwriters
put their heads together for a tidy, presentable package. But
there is nothing tidy or presentable about totalitarian states.
And in any event, why is every utterance of the Pope considered
to be worthy of worldwide attention and respect? It's like the
fawning reverence that was accorded every banal platitude ever
uttered by the late Mother Teresa. But the Pope is not exactly
on the cutting edge of world events…or anything else, for
that matter. It was only a little over a year ago, in October
1996, that John Paul II announced that the scientific theory of
evolution could be said to be valid. That message was received
with enthusiastic approval in many circles throughout the world.
Warm congratulations were offered to John Paul, just as they had
been in 1979. In that year he declared that the Roman Catholic
Church had been mistaken when it sentenced a 70-year-old Galileo
to house arrest (with threats of the tortures of The Inquisition)
for insisting that the Earth orbits the Sun, not vice versa. Mistaken?
No, not mistaken. A mistake is when you slip the wrong key into
your front door. The Church's treatment of Galileo, one of the
world's few geniuses, was viciously cruel and betrays the unenlightened,
progress-impeding attitude that has dominated the Church since
its inception. And they were as wrong as it is possible to be.
With this in mind, why should the Pope be congratulated for
reluctantly entering the twentieth century? Would the same admiration
be extended if the Pope announced that the scientific theory of
gravity could be said to be valid? Imagine the headlines:
"Pope Announces That Gravity Exists!"
(API) Catholic admirers of Isaac Newton were jubilant today
to hear the news that gravity is no longer just an unproven theory,
as had been taught by the Catholic Church. Today, at last, when
Catholics accidentally knock a combination pizza off the dinner
table, they will be allowed to acknowledge the mess on the floor
and clean it up.
"I'm ecstatic!" cried Patricia O'Rourke of Philadelphia.
"All these years I've had to pretend that those spills and
broken dishes didn't exist. And when our one-year-old was learning
to walk, and she fell down, I had to just leave her there, in
a little heap on the floor, crying," mourned O'Rourke. "What
else could I do? It was gravity that made her fall, and as an
observant Catholic I couldn't acknowledge gravity. Now all that
has changed!"
O'Rourke's candid confession prompted and angry scowl and a
tight-lipped rejoinder from Mr. O'Rourke. "So that's
why our little Mary Frances didn't learn to walk until she was
three!" hissed an agitated Francis Xavier O'Rourke.
Elsewhere, Catholics all over the world are celebrating, throwing
confetti into the air and rejoicing as they are finally permitted
to concede that it does indeed fall back to the ground.
"Gravity has been a stumbling block in my true faith for
years," admitted one anonymous Catholic priest. "I remember
spilling the Communion wine one Sunday, and having to pretend
that it hadn't splashed all over my Gucci loafers. I'm glad those
days are behind us."
With this new sense of détente in the air, so to speak,
the Faithful are hoping that soon the Pope will acknowledge heavier-than-air
flight. "It has been extremely difficult," agreed Vincent Valenti, "to be an airline pilot and a good Catholic at the
same time. I do fly 747s, and I know that they work, but I've
been unable to reconcile that fact with my unswerving faith. If
only His Holiness would reconsider. But with his decision about
gravity, I have new hope!"
The paradox involved in this controversial topic of heavier-than-air
flight is that the Pope flies all over the world in modern jets.
However, an earlier statement released by the Vatican explained
why Pope John Paul II is taking so long to make up his mind about
official recognition. "The Holy See is aware of the grave
importance of the Articles of Faith and their effect on the Faithful.
Decisions such as these must be weighed carefully. What if His
Holiness officially recognized heavier-than-air-flight, and then
it turned out not to be possible? Such rash decisions could
prove disastrous."
Nevertheless, there is speculation that several other similar
announcements are currently being considered. Security has been
tight surrounding these possible proclamations. But reliable sources
have confirmed that in a bold move, during his traditional New
Year's speech, Pope John Paul II plans to concede the following:
The existence of more than five planets in the solar system;
the spherical shape of the Earth; E really does equal mc2;
water runs downhill; plants are capable of photosynthesis; and
you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink.
The photosynthesis debate has raged for centuries in the Catholic
hierarchy. Based on the "Only God can make a tree" theorem,
prelates have insisted that photosynthesis must be the work of
the Devil. Angry ecclesiastical voices have been heard to shout,
"Grass grows because God causes it to grow!" while others
have countered with, "No it doesn't! It's the chlorophyll!"
This may remain an unresolved issue for the present. But the other
items on the agenda appear to have already received the green
light.
In addition, in a daring attempt to catapult the Roman Catholic
Church into the 21st century, John Paul plans to take the most
drastic steps yet toward this end. Being kept under wraps for
months, but now considered an open secret, is the Pope's plan
regarding possible life forms on other planets. Should any be
discovered, he will baptize them remotely, from Rome, making them
Catholics in good standing. The College of Cardinals objected
strenuously to the possibility of Catholic microbes, but John
Paul was adamant. He wants to demonstrate the universal nature
of the Roman Catholic faith, and its willingness to embrace sinners
on any planet.
Those in the inner circle are split in their opinions. "Well,
I can understand the reasoning behind wanting to show the world
that the Mother Church is no longer mired in the fourth century,"
explained one Archbishop, who asked to remain anonymous. "But
there's something eerie about the idea of microscopic Catholic
organisms on another planet. And besides, how would they go to confession?"
Whether or not there will be spiritual kin on other worlds
remains to be seen. But spirits are high here in Rome as people
become aware of the Church's new, progressive stance. No longer
will critics be able to point to the Church's somewhat backward
view of the world. The Papacy will truly have come of age. Except
for the photosynthesis thing.
© 1998 Judith Hayes
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