Armageddon Now!

Armageddon Now!

MARCH 2003

I don't know how I missed this one in all my reading, but apparently Sir Isaac Newton used to stay up late calculating the arrival of the Antichrist based on biblical prophecy. I'd be more surprised to hear that if it weren't for the fact that my own father, who was extremely bright, also believed in the End Times as prophesied in the Bible. He thought it would happen in his own lifetime, and so did 17% of Americans polled in a June 2002 CNN/Time magazine survey. 59% believed it would happen of course, but maybe not in their own lifetimes. Whoever said this world was a crazy place? This all sounds like stone-cold sanity to me.

However, for the first time in the ten years I've been writing about atheism and religion, I am faced with an unpleasant dilemma. Well, to be honest, there have been many dilemmas, such as trying to decide which was the looniest: (1) A Catholic Bishop blessing the gas pumps of a new filling station in a small California town or (2) Seeing Mother's Teresa's face on a cinnamon bun or (3) The woman who cured her stomach cancer by putting a card on her abdomen that featured the image of a saint. These are all true by the way. I mean true in that they were accurately reported in newspapers. I think I vote for (1) because I still can't figure out how the gas pumps responded to their blessing. Did they pump more efficiently? Did their nozzles smile as they plunged into the necks of gas tanks? Or did they just feel better about themselves? But I digress.

Back to my current dilemma. I have had two distinct segments on this site for some time—Current Monthly Column and Purely Political. I inaugurated the political segment back in 1998 when our Congress was obsessing over Clinton's penis and semen and Lewinsky's mouth, dress and thongs, and other important matters of state. I stopped for a while, not having time to keep Political going, then re-opened it when our current administration decided that it had just been too long since our last war, dammit, so we'd best get one going. But here's my problem: For the first time in memory politics and religion are so inextricably intertwined in this country that it's impossible to tell where one stops and the other starts. The analogy of Siamese Twins does not work. It's worse than that. It's more like the double helix of a DNA molecule. So if there is some overlap in my writings, forgive me, but it's not my fault. Here is a typical example from a recent news story: "Appearing at the National Religious Broadcasters convention, before a backdrop that read 'Advancing Christian Communications,' the president was hailed as a man who 'unapologetically proclaims his faith in the Lord Jesus Christ.' Bush cast the full range of his agenda—foreign, domestic and economic—in spiritual terms. Bush: 'I welcome faith….I welcome faith to help solve the nation's deepest problems.' About the Sept. 11, 2001, terrorist attacks, Bush said: '…an American attack on Iraq would be in the highest moral traditions of our country' [and that] 'America's enemies hate the thought [that] . . . we can worship the Almighty God the way we see fit.' J. Mark Horst, who has a radio ministry in Breezewood, Pa., said faith is what makes Bush propose seemingly unreachable goals and defy odds to reach them. 'He's taking what he reads in the Word and saying, This is what I believe, and I'm going to go for it.' "

Was that story about politics or religion? You see my problem. Born-agains, which is what Bush is, are the most fanatical in embracing Scripture. (By the way, I was born right the first time.) What is frightening is that Bush and his cronies are all fundamentalists, a word that is over-used and misunderstood. It does not simply mean, as too many believe, that you really, truly, sincerely believe your Holy Book. Oh, it means that all right, but it means so much more: that every, single word in your Holy Book is true and inspired by your God. Many people really, truly, sincerely believe in their Holy Books, but most of them barely know what is written in them, let alone claim inerrancy. Fundamentalists (both Muslim and Christian) do so claim. So do Orthodox Jews, but they don't usually use the word fundamentalist. And now all three powerful world religions are crashing into each other in a tiny section of the Middle East. This has also been true for a long time. However, this is the first time in history that we have the following appallingly disastrous combination:

(1) The USA still reeling from the first ever major terrorist attack on our own soil. (2) The Israeli/Palestinian cauldron seething with an unprecedented number of non-stop suicide bombings and retaliatory actions. (3) Pakistan and India possessing nuclear arms and spitting at each other across the border. (4) North Korea armed to the teeth with nukes, and furious with the USA. (5) A President of the United States who called those very Koreans "pygmies"; who saturates his political speeches with religious rhetoric; who believes his own rhetoric; who is too stupid to be president; and really is, as Horst put it, "…taking what he reads in the Word and saying, This is what I believe, and I'm going to go for it."

But go for what? What is he going for? The answer, I honestly believe, is Armageddon. Few mainstream columnists make even oblique references to this for fear of being called anti-religious. Freedom of religion, you know. But we're talking about the fate of the whole world, and such delicate sensitivities must make way for peace and security. One writer, David Nicholls, hit the nail on the head: "The very important and most pertinent question is: Has the born again and literal Bible believing Christian President, George W. Bush lost the plot completely and taken on the role of the initiator of Armageddon?" Of course Nicholls was writing for an atheist group in Australia, so his words are biased, correct? Correct! And so are everyone else's! But I agree with Nicholls, and I think it's worth knowing why I feel real fear.

The book of Revelation in the KJV of the Bible describes the signs of the End Times, the battle of Good and Evil, and the End Times themselves. Many people, and all fundamentalist Christians, believe that it explains those things. But a careful reading of Revelation will find it reveals nothing but a long, incomprehensible collection of odd curses and blessings, none of which make sense to an average, bright individual. You feel the need for an accompanying Magic Decoder Ring to figure out what's going on. But don't take my word for it. Read it yourself.

If that seems an unpleasant task, here are just a few examples from the book of Revelation: Rev 1-1: The Revelation of Jesus Christ, which God gave unto him, to shew unto his servants things which must shortly come to pass; 3: Blessed is he that readeth, and they that hear the words of this prophecy, and keep those things which are written therein: for the time is at hand. 7: Behold, he cometh with clouds; and every eye shall see him, and they also which pierced him: and all kindreds of the earth shall wail because of him. Rev 16-1: And I heard a great voice out of the temple saying to the seven angels, Go your ways, and pour out the vials of the wrath of God upon the earth. 2: And the first went, and poured out his vial upon the earth; and there fell a noisome and grievous sore upon the men which had the mark of the beast, and upon them which worshipped his image. 3: And the second angel poured out his vial upon the sea; and it became as the blood of a dead man: and every living soul died in the sea. 4: And the third angel poured out his vial upon the rivers and fountains of waters; and they became blood. 6: For they have shed the blood of saints and prophets, and thou hast given them blood to drink; for they are worthy.

It goes on like this, chapter after chapter, until you reach The Statement. Rev 16-14: For they are the spirits of devils, working miracles, which go forth unto the kings of the earth and of the whole world, to gather them to the battle of that great day of God Almighty. 15: Behold, I come as a thief. Blessed is he that watcheth, and keepeth his garments, lest he walk naked, and they see his shame. 16: And he gathered them together into a place called in the Hebrew tongue Armageddon.

Aha, now we have it. The Great Battle that is to end the world will take place at "Armageddon" and will herald the Second Coming of Christ. Of course it gets more confusing the further you read. And there are repeated warnings of thunders and earthquakes and islands as well as mountains disappearing and nations falling and all manner of awful things; these presage Jesus' return, and they are all summed up as being "the cup of wine of the fierceness" of God's wrath. So much for mercy. Rev 16-13: "And I saw three unclean spirits like frogs come out of the mouth of the dragon…." What on earth does that mean? But in the end you read: Rev 22-20: He [Jesus] which testifieth these things saith, Surely I come quickly."

Well, over 2,000 years doesn't fall into the category of "quickly" in my book, but let's understand the true meaning of all this. Fundamentalists actually believe that these words describe how the world will end, based of Jesus' "testimony" in Revelation, and that the Great Battle will take place at Armageddon, and that Jesus will rule the righteous from Jerusalem while Satan rules over the rest of us sinners for one thousand years. Then you have your final Judgment Day, and it's heaven or hell for all. Amen.

If you listen to fundamentalist Christian radio shows you will find that even these details are not universally agreed upon. But the overall picture is the same. And one of the reasons Israel's interests must be protected at all costs is because of Jerusalem. Jesus must have a place controlled by Christians to return to. When all hell breaks loose, to use an appropriate metaphor, Christian America will be in charge of Jerusalem, make no mistake.

There is an ugly, war-mongering, hateful tone to the whole idea of the Great Battle that will end all things, and it entails an enormous amount of suffering. Once again, no one accounts for the babies or mentally incapacitated. Will Jesus take them to his heart or send them to hell? What if the babies are Muslim? Will Jesus damn them? Will Armageddon affect the orbit of Mars? Jupiter? Or the Oort Cloud? Will the Andromeda Galaxy be affected? There are so many other unanswerable questions to this whole Armageddon thing, but one thing is certain. Almost everyone who believes it believes it will happen in their lifetimes. Ego, ego, ego. I'm so special I'm going to be around to witness the glory of Jesus' Second Coming! Before my own father's mind began to dissolve in that cruel haze known as Alzheimer's, I saw him follow the stories of violence in the Middle East in a way that was not attractive. I was horrified by the stories; he had a peculiar gleam in his eye as if something secret and somehow wonderful was going on.

But the book of Revelation is being given a pass it does not deserve. It must be explained in a way that makes sense. If you can twist those odd words until they mean whatever you want them to mean, then so can I. After reading the entire book, I'd say it's a treatise on menstrual periods and the agony that can accompany them. There is enough talk about pain and blood to make my interpretation as sensible as any other. "Fountains of waters" obviously means waters breaking as labor ensues. The whole book is so convoluted you can make it say anything if you try hard enough. Or smoke the right stuff.

I've read similar revelations by the 1960s LSD guru, Timothy Leary. The book of Revelation positively screams drugs at you. Of course many drugs do in fact bring on incredible visions. But getting back to the main point: Do we want a President of the United States who really believes this stuff and may act on it? He has been handed unrestricted, unconditional powers by a cowardly Congress. (I shall never respect another Democrat again. Their eyes-on-November silence on the issue of war was criminal.) Don't forget Bush is surrounded by sycophants who are as fundamental as he is. They believe all this Armageddon madness. That's why they are pushing for a war in the "holy land" instead of taking a good hard look at North Korea, which is the real threat.

Never in my life have I wanted so desperately to be wrong about something. But as long as I'm wishing for rainbows and yellow balloons, I might as well toss out the hope that someday I'll understand the blessing of gas pumps in a filling station. Seems as sensible as blessing septic tanks. Or croquet mallets. Or fireplace tongs. Or…war.

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