Death and Dying

MARCH 2010

I began writing, and almost finished this article about a year and a half ago. It was shortly after a dearly loved friend died. We still miss him. As often happens, other issues grabbed my attention and I set this article aside. It has been on the proverbial back burner ever since. But two weeks ago we heard that my best friend on the planet has been told she has breast cancer. I’m still in shock. I have no idea what the future holds of course but the news brought to mind this forgotten article. It will be shorter than my usual columns. My heart isn’t really in it. But as I read it I realized how relevant it is. So, here it is.

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It’s amazing how many ways we have created to avoid using the word “dead.” We can’t handle it. Even though we learn at an early age that death is a part of life (maybe from a pet goldfish or a dog) when it comes to humans we avoid that word like the plague. Those lesser creatures may die, but we don’t die. Here’s what we do. We “go to a better place.” Like Paris? No, we have died. “Aunt Helen is no longer with us.” What? Did she go on vacation? No. “He has passed away.” “She has passed on.” “Uncle Henry has been taken from us.” Taken? Has he been kidnapped? No. We just refuse to use the simple, obvious, correct word: died.

The ridiculous euphemisms are truly impressive in number. You can probably add a lot more to this list: passed, passed away, crossed over, no longer with us, called by God, with Jesus now, in heaven now, at peace now, have met their Maker, moved to the next world, perished, expired, joined the choir invisible, gave up the ghost, breathed his last, is deceased, departed this life, gone to his reward, or joined the angels. If you’re a little bit more earthy with your language there is also: kicked the bucket, bought the farm, bit the dust, or is pushing up daisies. 

Why is this important? Because it positively explains the religions that humans have created. Religions go to extremes, some of them quite bizarre, to avoid the obvious: that death is the end of a person. It’s no different from that goldfish floating at the top of the water, although we don’t usually flush dead humans down the toilet. But we strenuously avoid saying simply, “I’m sorry. Aunt Barbara died.” No, it’s usually passed on or passed away. Those are the favorites.

These strange euphemisms tell us a great deal about how religions began to begin with. They are meant to cheat death. No, we tell ourselves, we don’t die, at least not like the other animals. True, our bodies begin to decompose right from the start, just like the other animals, but, and here’s the all-important difference, we have something they don’t have. We have those invisible, undetectable, supernatural things called souls. Not only that, but there are “places” for those souls to go to after death. Of course now we get to the tricky part. No religion agrees with the others about just what those “afterlives” are, but we put on our blinders and thank our various gods that at lease we know the truth. We believe in the right god.  Whew! Good luck for us, huh? And, basically, we just ignore the other two-thirds of the world and figure, well, if they won’t believe what I believe, the hell with them. Literally. 

The arrogant and illogical thinking that goes into these sorts of beliefs are breathtaking. When you throw the possibility of reincarnation into the mix, you have a real mess. And yet it’s just another version of trying to avoid the inevitable: death means the end. Death is a generally unpleasant event for all concerned and I do not mean to dismiss it lightly. But we need no threats of hell or promise of heaven to be decent to each other. Nor is that ridiculous computer game stuff needed. “Prisoner’s Dilemma” is a good example of one of those games. It assumes that the only reason one human helps another is that someday that other will help back. Tit for tat or whatever. Play your games all you like, but RA (reciprocal altruism) is all bullshit. The only reason we humans cooperate with each other is because if we did not, we wouldn’t be here. Our infants take such a long time to become independent that if we did not have cooperation in our communities, all the babies would die. Extinction would embrace us quickly. Anthropologist are always forgetting about the babies and the enormous amount of help they need from everyone.

Anyway, as I mentioned elsewhere, this idea of helping others was powerfully demonstrated to me years ago when I was in a supermarket. A woman was struggling with a cantankerous infant as she tried to keep him in the seat of the shopping cart. The whole store could hear the baby’s defiant cries. (Perhaps the whole city.) All of a sudden there was a woman’s scream as she and the shopping cart and the infant all crashed to the floor.  Every single person in my vision rushed to the crash scene. There were so many of us we got in each other’s way. Everyone wanted to help, and gradually some calm was restored, and the store manager phoned for paramedics to look at mother and child, to make sure they were okay. My point? We were all total strangers, with no expectations whatsoever of ever receiving some favor from anyone later on. We just cared. Our reactions were instant and identical: Can we help you?

This lengthy example is to show how we do care about each other, with no thoughts of getting a payback someday. The tragic news coverage of earthquakes and floods and so on all reveal the same thing: strangers helping strangers. People use their bare hands to try to rescue trapped victims. They have no time to think about heaven or hell or vengeful gods or any of the rest of that crap. In emergencies we show the essence of human kindness. Atheists are in there digging frantically with all the others. No gods required.

I mean no disrespect to those who are going through this process of dying or grieving for a loved one. But if common sense is allowed into the consideration of death, life takes on a whole new meaning. This is all there is, people, so make the most of it! Life is not just a waiting place for some unknowable paradise after death! It is what it is—life! It has a beginning and it has an end. So make the most of every moment and help others to do the same.

We can love and help and encourage and praise each other without gods. And we can face death without gods. Actually we should face death without gods—it makes life all the more precious. And when death is threatening, as with my friend, I will do everything in my power to help her. Do her shopping, her laundry, keep her company, play cards with her, anything that might help. What I will not be doing is saying a prayer to an invisible god to make her well. Those sorts of prayers are, as far I’m concerned, a lazy cop-out. The praying may make you feel better, but what your friend needs at the moment is clean sheets.

This is way secular humanists look at life and death. And I am happy to be one of those people.

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