APRIL 2003

Truth unearthed in earthen urn in earthen cave

by Judith Hayes
Heretical News Staff Writer
Monday, February 24, 2003

Cairo—Last Wednesday a papyrus was discovered in a dry cave, nestled in an isolated, barren hillside 35 miles southwest of the ancient city of Jezreel. The scroll is an accounting of the legendary showdown between David and Goliath. Rolled up in a clay urn, the condition of the scroll was pronounced "remarkable" considering its age. It has been dated and found to be even older than the well-known account of the David/Goliath encounter in the Bible's Old Testament—I Samuel, Chapter 17. Dr. Jonathan Nordstrom, Professor of Antiquities at the University of Cairo, confirmed the finding. "Yep," the professor declared, "it's older."

The world has waited breathlessly for the document to be translated from its original ancient Hebrew. Today that enormous task was completed by a team of linguists from all over the world, except for Iceland, where a spokesman was quoted as saying, "A piece of paper in a jug. Who cares?" The scroll's authenticity was verified beyond a doubt, although a small stain on one of the sheets of papyrus turned out to be from the creamy center of a Twinkie. But experts say that stain is the unfortunate result of a careless, hungry, snacking archaeologist, and that it dates back only to last Friday.

At a press conference Nordstrom stated, "It's the most important find in two centuries, and except for the Twinkie thing, which could happen to anyone, we can guarantee that this is not a forgery." Now dubbed "The Scroll of Jezreel," it has thus far been translated into 25 languages, including American English Vernacular. And here, for the first time anywhere, is the AEV version of the entire story of David and Goliath.

The Scroll of Jezreel

Chapter 1.

1 Now the Philistines gathered together their armies to battle, and were gathered together at Shochoh.

2 And Saul and the men of Israel were gathered together, and set the battle in array against the Philistines. One of Saul's descendants would one day be an ace relief pitcher for the Dodgers before they moved to Los Angeles, bumming out all of Brooklyn.

3 And the Philistines stood on a mountain on the one side, and the Israelites stood on a mountain on the other side, with a valley in between, which is a silly way to fight a war when you get down to it. They were out of range for bows and arrows, slingshots or even voice contact. Their shouted epithets faded into vague echoes about mid-valley, and the threatening arm-shaking and obscene finger gestures could not be seen at such distances, except with binoculars, which hadn't been invented yet. So it looked liked the conflict would end in a draw, with casualties amounting to nothing more than strained vocal cords and aching arm and finger muscles, which could only be relieved by Ben-Gay, which also hadn't been invented yet.

4 This stand-off was finally ended when a champion of the Philistines, a bruiser named Goliath, who was 18 feet, 7 inches and change, resolutely marched down into the middle of the valley. He cupped his hands around his mouth and bellowed, "Hey! You lily-livered wimps! Haven't you Israelites got even one soldier with some cojones? Tell him to haul his butt down here, and we'll go one on one, mano a mano!"

5 This booming challenge produced much scrambling among the Israelite forces, mainly to the rear. After all, this guy was huge! You really couldn't blame them for being afraid, although those who actually soiled their armor were the immediate recipients of derisive catcalls from their colleagues who, though decidedly cowering, did not literally smell of their fear.

6 When no one came forward to meet Goliath's challenge, he repeated his provocative words, adding, "Come on, I haven't got all day! Draw straws or something!"

7 Now there was a small-boned, lithe young Israelite named David, with delicate features, who was the son of Jesse—or maybe the son of Saul—or maybe a third-cousin to both. Since "Harem-Hopping" was all the rage in those days, quite frankly no one knew who was who. But they sorted it out, more or less randomly, so everyone considered David to be Jesse's son. Except Jesse. He had never even met David's mother, and figured he had been hood-winked into adopting the skinny kid named David. But he followed tribal custom, raised the 98-pound weakling, and taught him the joys of tending sheep.

8 Now it came to pass that the Philistine/Israelite standoff was, like, totally boring. So David left Saul's army and went back to his sheep. David liked sheep. They were his friends. They understood him. He spent all the time he could with sheep. Though their appreciation for music was less than one would hope for, David wrote love songs for them anyway, and accompanied himself on his lyre. David was as strange as he was skinny.

9 Meanwhile, back at the so-called battlefield, two days had passed with no action and at last the Philistines could stand no more. They finally raced down their hill and the battle was enjoined. David had been right in leaving. The Philistines were kicking ass. Nevertheless, an out-of-breath messenger came to David and instructed him to take food to his battle-weary, fellow Israelites. This made David sad. He did not want to leave his sheep, especially the one named Suzie. But he filled his wagon with lox, bagels, cream cheese and an assortment of pizzas, none with anchovies. They hadn't been invented yet either.

10 By the time David reached the battlefield, which was a bloody mess and hardly conducive to a robust appetite, the pizzas nevertheless disappeared in a flash and the lox and bagels were gone before David could finish unloading the wagon.

11 The Israelites, weary of being humiliated, not to mention being slaughtered, had retreated to regroup on their hill, and decided to play a trick on the naïve David. They told him that if he would face one of the Philistines named Goliath, one-on-one, and beat him, the king would shower presents and treasure upon David, and the Israelites would be declared the victors, saving everyone a lot of time and trouble.

12 David, not as naïve as he was skinny, said, "No way! Are you out of your minds?" But they persisted and reminded him that God would be on his side. "Oh, yeah? If that's true," challenged David, "how come you're having your heads handed to you, huh? Why isn't God on your side?"

13 Momentarily stumped, and frantically searching for a believable come-back that this kid might buy into, Saul ventured, "Well, David, God has obviously chosen you as his favorite, or he wouldn't have sent you here. With the pizzas and everything."

14 David considered the words carefully, knowing Saul had a point about the pizzas. "Okay," David answered, "you've got your man. Where is this guy named Goliath anyway?"

15 And the men all stood back behind David, and pointed out Goliath. "Jumpin' Jehovah! Are you crazy? He's built like the Hulk! Who I know hasn't been invented yet, but five will get you ten he will be!"

16 David's reference to odds naturally caught everyone's attention. There could be some money in this if God would make a showing here. There were many biblical bookies on both sides of the battlefield. Solomon Gambini & Sons had the biggest book in Palestine, but there were many others. Turf wars were not uncommon.

17 However, it came to pass that the bookies found the action slow and listless. Goliath stood 18 feet, 7 inches and change, and David stood 5 feet, 4 inches and no change. The odds were 3,047 to 1 against David. And this was after factoring in Divine help.

18 While the soldiers were placing their few unenthusiastic bets, the Israelite and Philistine Generals, after a temporary truce had been called, went down into the valley to set terms. It was a difficult task. There were so many choices. They considered wrestling, kick-boxing, javelin throwing and just duking it out with bare fists. They talked about slingshots at noon and spitballs at dawn. Pistols at dawn sounded best somehow, but pistols hadn't been invented yet either. There was a lot of grumbling in the ranks as the men wondered out loud why they couldn't just wait until all these cool things had been invented. Their complaints fell on deaf ears, however, since the generals were wearing such heavy brass helmets they could barely hear each other and were forced to shout.

19 "TWISTERS AT DAWN?" "NO, NO, NO, SPITBALLS AT DAWN!" "ON THE LAWN?" "NO! AT DAWN!" And so on.

20 At last they settled on slingshots at high noon. Anything the two combatants could fling from a sling was legal. In David's case that was small stones; for Goliath that was anything from small boulders to medium-sized hedgehogs. The winners would earn bragging rights for a year, and every victorious soldier would get a button that said, "WAR DOESN'T SUCK!"

21 At the appointed hour all were on hand for the final showdown in the valley. The bookies tried to drum up some last-minute action, but there were no takers after everyone had a good look at Goliath and his wagon full of hedgehogs.

22 They tossed a coin to see who would announce commencement of the contest. Saul won. "Okay, everybody," Saul called out. "Listen up! At the signal, David and Goliath will begin slinging objects at each other. Whoever stays alive the longest wins. Got that?" There were murmurs of agreement all around. "David, you stand here, and Goliath, you stand there, about 50 feet back." David and Goliath both nodded their heads, assumed their positions, and exchanged withering glances. Goliath's withering glances won hands down.

23 Saul then slowly backed away from the two combatants and called out, "Ready……Set……….GO!" The melee had begun.

24 For several long minutes the only sounds were grunts and groans from David and Goliath as they hurriedly grabbed whatever was closest at hand and slung the objects at each other. The first hedgehog was a direct hit and David was flung on his back, gasping and bloody. A wild cheer went up among the Philistines. Then suddenly, surprising everyone, David got up and flung a lucky shot that nailed Goliath directly in his left eye, which would have smashed his contact lens if he had been wearing one, but they hadn't been invented yet.

25 However the tide soon turned, and when a half hour had passed, so had David. There was no movement from his limp body, which lay prostrate on the ground.

26 One of the Israelites cried out, "Can't anyone do anything to help that poor kid? Look at him! Jesus Christ!" But Jesus hadn't been invented yet either, and so they all watched in silence as David's body was carried back to Jesse's home.

27 And so it came to pass that Goliath wasted David, and forty-two onlookers were hospitalized with serious injuries from badly aimed missiles.

28 And when Saul saw David he said to Abner, one of captains of the Israelites, "Whose son is this youth?" And Abner said, "It is Jesse's son, O king."

29 And Jesse spoke up immediately and said, "Well maybe, but maybe not…"

30 And so the story of David and Goliath concluded and ultimately ended up in a book titled, The Holy Bible. Which hadn't been invented yet.

© 2003 The Heretical News

© 2003 Judith Hayes

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