MAY 1998
This may come as a surprise, but fundamentalist, ultra-conservative,
Religious Right Christians have not cornered the market on zany
beliefs. Oh sure, they have their weeping statues and holy water
and stigmata episodes and angel apparitions and faith "healings."
And the Virgin Mary showed up on a tortilla somewhere, while Mother
Teresa's visage appeared on a sesame seed bun. Or was it a cinnamon
roll?
Anyway, as bizarre as all that may be, for sheer lunacy it's
hard to beat the hungry hippos in Jerusalem's Biblical Zoo this
past Passover; the holy heifer born in the Holy Land; and the
sacred tiger fish of Lodi, California. Yes, these wonders are
brought to us by Judaism and Islam. Welcome to Oz.
It seems that the zookeepers in the Jerusalem zoo were worried
that during Passover week they, or possibly some visitors, might
accidentally touch some of the leavened bread that is usually
fed to the animals. Observant Jews aren't supposed to eat or even
touch leavened bread during this holiday because they are celebrating
the escape of the Jews, led by Moses, from Egypt. You see Moses
and company were in a hurry when they were escaping from the Pharaoh.
So they didn't have time to wait for their bread to rise. So they
had to eat unleavened bread. So today they celebrate the Great
Escape by eating only unleavened bread during Passover. And over
the years they tightened up the rules, so now they're not even
allowed to touch leavened bread. Are you following all
this? Good.
Well then, to avert the looming catastrophe (the possible inadvertent
touching of the wrong kind of bread) the zookeepers withheld the
animals' regular feed and replaced it with a "special kosher-for-Passover
mixture approved by Israel's rabbinical establishment." We're
talking kosher elephants and hippos. I am not making this up.
This AP story ran on April 10, 1998. Really.
One of the things that bothers me about this is that Israel
is a country with a military force capable of obliterating the
entire Middle East. And then some. And they are also keeping kosher
ungulates. What is wrong with this picture?
And just one year ago, on May 29, 1997, there was quite a stir
about a red heifer that was born in the Holy Land. The AP photo
showed Rabbi Shmaria Shore deep in thought as he stroked the animal's
nose. This red heifer, "Melody," was believed to be
the first red heifer born in the Holy Land in two thousand years.
Obviously someone must have been keeping track of such things.
Else how would they know? There must be a rabbinical representative
with the title "Official Heifer Color Checker." I wonder
if the job pays well. With all the travelling involved you'd think
it would.
But the point is that there was speculation that Melody might
be the "harbinger of the Messiah." What a stunning thought!
What a cunning, spectacular, godly manner in which to announce
the coming of the Savior of the Chosen People—the birth of a cow!
Such a heavenly announcement may be a little oblique, to be sure,
requiring extraordinary powers of interpretation of the Divine
Will.
On the other hand, there were those who believed that Melody
should be destroyed because she was an evil omen. Once again this
interpretation is based on an exquisitely fine-tuned understanding
of the Divine. It was diametrically opposed to the other
exquisitely fine-tuned understanding, but let's not quibble. For
centuries soothsayers have been predicting future events by reading
goat entrails, for example. It is an ancient and honorable art.
Let those who have never read goat entrails cast the first stone.
But not to be outdone by Judaism's carrot-topped cows, Hyatullah
Ahmadi of Lodi, California proudly offered, for the world's admiration,
one of Islam's sacred signs from Allah. It was swimming. In a
salt water aquarium. It was a fish.
According to Ahmadi, the albino tiger oscar fish had the word
"Allah" clearly emblazoned on its right flank. Red letters
on white fish flesh. Just imagine. God on a cichlid fish. "Allah"
was in Arabic, so evidently the fish was Arabic. I'm guessing
it was also Muslim. (This animal husbandry is a tricky science.)
Validating this holy manifestation was none other than the president
of the Lodi Muslim Mosque, Taj Khan. "It's very, very distinctly
written," said Khan. Hard to argue with that, then. Ahmadi
has been offered $1,000 for the fish, but will not part with it
because it is "a symbol of God's power and omnipresence."
And you thought the heifer was silly.
Expanding on some of the lesser known tenets of the Muslim
faith, Ahmadi continued. "Each person has two angels on each
shoulder. Each time you mention Allah's name, it's written in
your book for Judgment Day." Well then, I say "Allah."
Thinking this principle through most cleverly, Ahmadi named the
fish "Ayatullah" which means "sign of God."
That way he'll mention the Almighty often. Good thinking, Ahmadi.
Allah.
Not as distinct, but still written on this same amazing fish,
on its left flank, is a portion of Islam's most fundamental teaching:
"There is no God but one God." (I think the Jews would
agree with this one. So would the Catholics. And the Baptists.
And the Mormons. But I digress. Allah.) Taj Khan assures us that
as interesting as this aquatic vertebrate may be, it is not unique.
No, says Khan, there have been several similar miracles which
included some fruits and vegetables and, possibly, a cow. (A bit
of copycat here?) "In England," agreed Ahmadi, "there
was a tomato that said Allah three weeks ago." (The date
on this Lodi News Sentinel article was June 28, 1997. Allah.)
Now "said" is the past tense form of the transitive
verb, "say." It's probably safe to assume that Ahmadi
didn't mean to imply that the tomato actually uttered an audible
sound, but rather had the word etched on its skin or something.
But the article isn't clear on that point. And with miracles,
who knows? A talking tomato would be an attention-grabber, wouldn't it?
At this point I have a confession to make. It is a little known
fact, but I actually do acknowledge a deity. His name is Bob.
Bob the Rain-god. For years Bob has manifested himself to me in
the form of various animals—though I've never seen him on a tomato.
But I have seen the name "Bob," clearly and unambiguously,
adorning many different species. I naturally saved and nurtured
them for as long as I could. Holy animals don't just drop out
of the sky you know! Allah. And, naturally, I named them all.
So, at various times, my own Miracle Menagerie consisted of a
silverfish named Silver, a spider named Spy, a caterpillar named
Cat, and a cockroach named Herbert.
Each of these holy messengers spoke volumes to me, and convinced
me more than ever that there really is a God out there—in my case,
Bob. I also learned the meaning of true humility and how to humble
myself before a silverfish. Whether it is a redheaded heifer,
an autographed tiger fish or a holy caterpillar, such creatures
can be the key to understanding eternal truths. Now if only we
could talk to these animals…say, is Dr. Doolittle
still around?
Allah.
© 1998 Judith Hayes
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