“I Will Never Surrender in Iraq!”

July 1, 2008

To whom? Senator McCain, just who are you claiming you will never surrender to? The Iraqi people? No, that can’t be because we supposedly are not at war with the Iraqi people, though we have killed over a hundred thousand of them, which sure sounds like war to me. Will those who favor troop withdrawal instead be surrendering to the Iraqi Prime Minister, Nouri al-Maliki? No, that doesn’t work either, because we supposedly support him, correct? Will leaving mean we surrender to the radical cleric Muqtada al-Sadr, who opposes the Iraqi Prime Minister? That makes no sense at all.

Let’s try again, shall we? Last month, Senator John McCain, you called out, loudly and proudly, “I will never surrender in Iraq!” Fair enough. Now, when you shouted about not surrendering, did you mean we will not be surrendering to the Sunni? How can that be, since it was Saddam’s party? Hmmm. Hey, could it be Saddam himself?! Oh. Almost forgot. He’s dead. You’re making this difficult, Senator. The Sunni and Shia have been fighting each other since we started this mess in March of 2003, and now the Shia are fighting among themselves, with Shia soldiers and Shia “militiamen” engaging in gun battles. So who are we fighting over there? It’s not very clear.

New thought! SURRENDER DOROTHY!! Oops. Different movie. Wrong landscape.

Okay. I give up. Who the hell would we be surrendering to if we decided to surrender? McCain, you owe us all a detailed explanation of that. But it sounds like you don’t even know. It sounds like you just like using the word “surrender” prefaced by the words “will never” and you’re willing to call it a day at that. Well, it doesn’t work that way. Details please.

I know you sometimes confuse the Sunni with the Shia, and you definitely got it wrong when you said Iran was training al-Qaeda soldiers, at which point Joe Lieberman had to tug at your shirt sleeve and correct you. You obediently corrected yourself and said that Iran was training extremists. But you do seem vague on all of it. But isn’t knowing the difference between Shia and Sunni a bare minimum essential for anyone even thinking about being President of the United States? I know, I know, George W. Bush thought Mexico was in South America and it can hardly get stupider than that. Still, look at the mess we’re in now because he was at the helm. Don’t we deserve something better this time?

Hey, Senator! I just had a thought! Did you mean we won’t surrender to Ahmed Chalabi and his sidekick, Judith Miller of The New York Times? No, that won’t work either since both Chalabi and Miller were thoroughly discredited long ago. I still can’t fill in the blank. But it seems kind of important; I need to know who would be in a position to accept our surrender should we choose to surrender. The United Nations?

Senator McCain, if you can answer this question, it should be sooner rather than later. If you cannot answer it, I suggest you shut the hell up.

© 2008 Judith Hayes

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